Pain

Lord,


This is more painful than I ever thought, that I would ever imagine.. The torment that you are sending me thru at this moment is nearing unbearable state!

Lord Lord, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving, from helping me? I cried out to you by the day but you did not answer me, i tear out by the night but you kept silent..

Why is it that the punishable get away scot free, yet your child here is forced to go thru such sufferings? Why is it that the pure in love is not loved, but the cheat in love wins all hearts?

Lord, why so?

For weeks I had used my tears to wash my face;
For weeks I had forcefully swallow this pain that I can go on without food for many hours;
For weeks I had sleep late and wake up much earlier than my alarm, suffering from insomia;
For weeks I had been dreaming of her on daily basis, sweet dreams as well as nightmares..

Lord, I really do not know how to let go, for I am weak. In you I need to draw my strength from. But where are you, Lord? Please do not hide your face from me anymore.

Show me your face,
Give me a sign,
Guide me thru this period of suffering and hardship,
Bring me thru this dark dark tunnel,
Lead me out of this place,
Carry me thru this time of torments!

Blows after Blows..

Lord,

Why is it that just that I thought I am able to stand up and walk beside you again, you just send me another blow? How many such blows can I take? How far you want me to fall before saving me?

Why do you seems like enjoying yourself to see me tear everytime? So much so that this time round, I cant even tear anymore?

2 years ago, I was so happy cos I finally got my driving license on 23 Jan 2008.. In less than 2 months, you sent my entire world crashing down on me by taking away the most important person out of my life, by taking her away from me. With her, all my confidence, my strength, my life and energy were all sucked out of me...

That amount of tears that you enjoy lasted for almost 6 months daily, with interval attacks after that.. Are you really enjoying it? Or are you crying with me?


I thought everything would come to an end with that torturous period of time.. Little did I know that the learning of how to cry is only the start....


As I got myself baptised, I thought I had obeyed what you have commanded and I will walk closer with you.. Yet from there, waves of attacks just started pouring in.. From Church Retreat to the failure of evangelism and keeping hold to the people I tried to evangelise; From the death of my grandfather to the accusation during the Mission Trip; From the rejection to the feeling of being make use of and being cheated..


Lord, how much of these attacks you want me to endure? Are you really there when I needed you? While the Bible says we are worth more than many sparrows, does that person includes me? Why do I feel that you hate me so much? Why is it that after letting me know that you will not forsake me, I feel so forsaken again?

Mike once said that my salvation is under threat this time round.. So he asked me to get closer to you and to cling on tighter to you, which is the reason why I am going to the Botanic Gardens weekly to try to get closer to you.. Yet why is it that you keep pushing me away? WHY?!

Lord, I really dunno what I am praying for now? I really dunno what am I doing anymore.. I really dunno what is my direction, my goal, and my future anymore..

Everyone say that you will guide me.. Will you? Are you willing? Do you even exist?

Trip 2 to Botantic Gardens

Dear Lord,

Somehow it really seems as thou I need to be alone before I can hear Your words.. I seemed to be closest to You when I take a slow and peaceful walk, alone with You..

From time to time, I always felt as thou You had forsaken me.. From the breaking up with Donna to the rejection that I had received recently, I kept asking where is the Lord whom I thought I knew, who promised to give what my heart desires.. Even up to yesterday I am still asking Mike why do I feel as thou You had forsaken me when I most needed you?

Today as I took a walk down Botantical Gardens, I took 2 pieces of bread with me.. Went to the small bridge and fed the turtles and swans with 1 pieces, and slowly make my way to the shed where I sat last week..

The sparrows are still there, but the difference today is that there are much more fishes.. Was intending to pick up my bible to read before changing my mind to feed the sparrows.. As I was feeding the sparrows, suddenly I recalled this verse in the Bible..

Luke 12:6 - 7
Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.


Even the sparrows are not forgotten by God, how would God forsake me then, since I am worth so much more than the sparrows. Even without me feeding the sparrows, they still survive, and there are still other visitors who feed them, which proves that God still care for them despite how small they are, so what's more a child of God?

Lord, thankyou for this revelation that You gave me while I am feeding the sparrows. I know that this is from You, to tell me that no matter how back-slided and how worthy I am, You will never forsake me; that You will always be by my side walking with me thru'out this journey..

It is not that You are not beside me and supporting me, it is just that I am too blind too problematic to be able to see You..

Just like on the beach, during the peaceful times of my life, we will be able to see 2 sets of footsteps, one belonging to you and one belonging to me; during the down times of my life, there will always be only 1 set of footsteps.. That is not because You have left me, but that You were carrying me during this period..

Thank You Lord once again..

All this I give thanks in Jesus most precious name,
Amen.

Going to Botantical Gardens

Dear Lord,

Once again, I will be going to Botantical Gardens in about 1 hour time.. Last week when I went there, while I am in tears and down, You made me realised that it is time to let go of the burden I had always imposed on myself and want me to forgive myself..

While forgiveness is such an easy word, it seems the hardest thing to do.. But if I cant even forgive myself, it would be hard for me to move on also isnt it?

Lord, this trip to the Botantical Gardens will once again be a trip for You, to seek for You, to repair my relationship with You..

Lord, it has been very hard on me this 2 months.. Had a very close friendship ruined and being taken for granted for.. Lord, it hurts so badly inside.. Cos I really treasure this friendship.. But before I can repair this friendship, I guess I have to repair the loveship between You and me first..

As Mike always tell me, if I want to court other girls, I sld try courting You first.. Perhaps he is right.. Lord, will you really provide me with my heart's desire? Lord, do talk to me as I seek for You later in the gardens.. I really need Your guidance..

Lord,

• Grant me peace to get over this extreme pain and heartbreak.
• Grant me strength to overcome the obstacles that are facing my way
• Grant me wisdom to speak of Your name with trembling and fear, yet proudly proclaiming that You are Lord.
• Grant me perservance to contine walking this path with You and stay close to You and Your words..
• Grant me protection, that no harm shall come to me and my loved ones..
• Grant me opportunites, that I will be able to fulfil your Great Commandment..

Lord, forgive my sins, as I walked this paths alongside you. Bring me as near to you as possible, so that I can understand what is Your will for me..

In You I will find peace, in You I will find love, in You I will find my heart's desire.

All this I pray in Jesus most preciously name,
Amen