The weight of thoughts

Dear Lord,

These days I keep moving between happy and sad.. I always tot that I have gotten over my past, yet whenever things doesnt go my way in work, I have a tendency to start thinking about the past, start thinking about PX and the things that happened between the 2 of us..

I tried to remember only the happy memories and the fun that we used to have, but they seemed to get overwhelmed by the fact that it had a bad ending to that relationship..

I finally know where she is working.. But so what if I know? Nothing will change of its current status quo.. It is not as thou' she will suddenly change her attitude towards me if I go to that hospital to find her.. So what Your point of letting me find out where she is working?

Lord, sometimes my prayers are answered, sometimes they are not.. When I prayed for salvation, Cyn's were answered, another long time friend of mine is also half answered.. How about PX's? Will You save her before that dream of hers about her 21st came true?

Lord, please do Your best to help her? If she is not mine to help, then do send someone to Save her and bring her to You..

And Lord, will You not only grant her salvation, but also help me to salvage this relationship with her?

I am really sorry of asking this sort of question, cos it is more of my desire than Yours.. And I hadnt been fulfilling Your desires due to my fallen nature.. I am real sorry..

These days I couldnt even find the motivation to even go to church.. I dunno which church to go to anymore.. CCBC? LKBC? ARPC?

The last time when I will still attending ARPC was due to XY.. Now that she is happily settled in another church, I no longer have any motivation to go church.. I want to go back to CCBC, but couldnt let go.. I want to stay at LKBC for the time being, but I will always treat myself as a visitor over there.. ARPC is a church too big for me to find any love or friendship..

I am lost.. I am really lost.. Everyday is a day wasted for now.. I am using my hectic work schedule to stop myself from feeling the pain.. Yet time and time again, I am attacked by those memories..

Lord, I really need your help..

I have lost more than 1 year of my life gettng lost in the worldly place, not growing in you..
I have lost more than 1 year of my life learning how to forgive others, yet not being able to forgive myself..
I have lost more than 1 year of my life searching for you, yet cant find you, cos you are always supporting me from behind and I have never turn my head to find you..
I have lost more than 1 year of my life searching for love, but failed to realised that the greatest love had always been given to me, by You..


But so what if i really realised these things now? I am still unable to get myself out of this slump..

Can You, Lord, reach out Your hands to let me hold on to? To let me grab hold? To give me the warmth and love that I so badly needed?

Lord..
Your servant is crying for help here.....

All these I sincerely ask in Jesus most precious name,
Amen.